OK, the staff here at The Caprican gets invited to all the hot new club openings (No, not because we're cooler than you. We review them). So we get to bypass the long lines and aloof bouncers. But now anyone can gain access to the hottest clubs in the Colony and never leave your house. All you need is a Holoband and a computer geek.
V-Clubs, as people in the know call them, are the products of savvy hackers who know more about technology than the penal code, and who can break the relatively benign Holoband security codes and create boundless virtual reality worlds.
Go beyond the virtual velvet rope after the jump...
That's the techno boring part. The interesting part is what goes on in these digital domains. V-Clubs have the obvious dance areas, private rooms, and fully stocked bars, where the programmed staff cares nothing about I.D. or contraband. But, so what? You can find that at any club.
What makes a V-club different (or so we've heard, because no one on our staff will admit to having been in a V-Club) is that there is only one rule: There are no rules.
Want to kill someone? Get gun and blast away. Want to frak someone? Get a someone and frak away. Want to...you get the picture. You can pretty much do anything you can think up (which means program up, or get someone to program for you). And again, the best part is it all feels real, and without any of those pesky real-world consequences.
All right, because we are good citizens, we should probably mention one tiny caveat, because there's always a caveat when it comes to things that sound too good to be true. V-Clubs are illegal. Not the V-Club per se, but the hacking of the officially licensed Graystone Industries product. See? We told you, too good to be true. Now, if you're willing to risk being thrown in the Colonial Prison in Marathon, hack away. But if you've become accustom to sunshine and a bar-less view, there's always regular, boring, real-life clubs.
The month of Martius will be here before you know it, which means one thing and one thing only, at least for those of us between the ages of 18 and 22 (give or take): Vernal Break! And there isn't a destination I can recommend more for a week's worth of sun and debauchery than...Argentum Bay.
I know what you're thinking, and I was thinking the same thing until last year. First of all: Scorpia? Really? Sure, it's got good beer and all, but it's also got crazy hurricanes and hookers that aren't exactly known for being healthy. It's also the place where criminals and other undesirables...well, just kind of disappear mysteriously. Scorpia's dangerous, and trashy, and all in all kind of gross.
I thought that, too. Then I finally actually went.
My friends had been trying to get me to go to Argentum Bay since freshman year, and I gave in when I was a junior. And let me say that I regret whole-heartedly that my first two Vernal Breaks were spent elsewhere. Yeah, Argentum Bay's got the good beer that Scorpia is known for, and the gods know how much of that stuff I ingested that week (and yeah, it's got the hookers, if you're into that sort of thing, which of course I am). But it's also got the most gorgeous beach you will ever see, ever.
I repeat: The Most Gorgeous Beach. Ever!
And only the beautiful people celebrating Vernal Break matches the beauty of that beach. You wouldn't believe the girls there - it's like Argentum Bay somehow lured the hottest co-eds of the entire 12 colonies and corralled them in one area for seven days. I'm not exaggerating. This isn't that Scorpia beer talking.
Argentum Bay is also...well, cheap. You can afford it. Most Vernal Break resorts on the other colonies are designed for trust fund kids and heiresses and movie stars. Argentum Bay is for you and me.
And you haven't lived until you've gone paragliding. It might very well be the most incredible rush ever. When you're up in the air, looking down at that amazing beach and all those gorgeous girls...4you will wonder how life can get any better.
So, forget what you've heard, and unlearn what you have learned. This place is the real deal. There is only one destination for you this year.
Sorry to be gone so long, I was actually visiting Libran for a while. Don't ask. And yeah, it was Scorpia hot. Dear gods, what a hellhole. Marshy jungle netherworld, and lawyers buzzing everywhere. Themis! What an eyesore, it makes your head spin. Who designed that place, anyway? A stressed out architect with way too big a budget vomited up his idea of stinkin' Lawyer Heaven is my guess. Hey, Lawyer Heaven, is that an oxymoron?
That same architect designed a huge - and I mean huge - outdoor sports arena. You probably knew that. Built by Libran tax money and now, completely empty, unused and abandoned, worthless. Yeah, I saw it. And you know what? It's gorgeous. I love it. Oh, the Pyramid games we could have there. The games, people. Sweet, sweet memories, and frakkin' history, would be made. So it's hot and sticky, a small price to pay for beauty.
So Libran needs a Pyramid team, just so we can play in that arena. Yeah, you've probably heard that before, but I'm saying it again. So let's at least give this imaginary team a few possible names, then send the list to the lawyers in Themis and watch them argue it for the next hundred millennia.
The Libran Bloodsuckers - No, not because of the lawyers, because of all the damn bugs. It's a jungle hell, people!
The Libran Legis - Ha! Kidding. Although all the lawyers would probably pick this one.
The Libran Supremes - Named after the Supreme Hall. That might be baiting the commentators a little much. "The Supremes sure aren't doing too supremely tonight.." You can hear it, right? Tedious.
The Libran Divorcees - Everyone on Libran gets divorced. FACT.
What Explosions? Five Things to Help You Forget Terrorism is a The Caprican Entertainment article written by Carl Kipp. It was printed in Februarius 6, YR42.
There's been a lot of doom and gloom lately in the aftermath of the MAGLEV tragedy. We most assuredly should grieve and respect the memories of our fallen families and friends, but let's not forget that we also live in the greatest city on the greatest planet of all the Colonies. This is Caprica City, after all, right, Capricans? So let's go out and celebrate our wonderful city and we who live in it together during this strange and uneasy time.
I believe those we've lost would like that. Yes, I do.
So, here are five things you can do to help you forget about the cloud that's come over our town as of late.
Stop sitting at home watching the news - they're just showing the same clips over and over. Time to hit the great outdoors - and the Greatest Outdoors is Apollo Park! Take a walk, play a little Pyramid, have a picnic, make out under a tree, or all of the above - sounds pretty good, doesn't it?
Yeah, they're not having their best season - but neither are we. So let's brave the storm together and play a little Pyramid! Get thee to Atlas Arena and cheer on our team - if we all work together, the Buccaneers might actually win a game this season (Oh, I'm probably going to regret writing that, aren't I?)!
If you must stay home and watch television, why not change the channel and tune in to Baxter? His writers have been on a roll lately, to say the least, and no one can do the Tragedy-to-Comedy thing quite like Mr. Sarno. His ratings have actually been up lately, so some of you have indulged in this already. He appreciates that.
Caprica's best-kept secret when it comes to great food and even greater service is a restaurant in Little Tauron called Connie's Place. Go there and order anything on the menu - yes, anything - and then try to tell me that it isn't the best thing you've ever eaten in your entire life. Well, I might be exaggerating...but just a little. Really, if you're hungry or could just use a cup of coffee and a talk with a friend, Connie's is your Place. In fact, the food is so good, I've heard teenagers get into fights over it.
My fifth recommendation was going to be Get Thee to the Bedroom, but my editors have respectfully persuaded me to go in a different direction. So what's better than sex? Gambling, of course! Now might be the time to get in touch with your Perfect Horse or waste your paycheck on the C-Bucs (oops! There I go again). Anyway, if laying a few bets is your game, look no further than Goldie's Off Track Betting.
Amanda Graystone went bonkers in front of the Twelve Colonies a few days ago, claiming it was her daughter Zoe who was responsible for the recent MAGLEV bombing. "My daughter is a terrorist!" Wow. Her husband Daniel didn't look too pleased with this impromptu confession, snatching her into a car and speeding away.
Which makes the rumors of a guest appearance for either Amanda or Daniel Graystone (or both!) on Backtalk with Baxter Sarno all the more tantalizing Are their lawyers and publicists already urging them that a spot on Backtalk is just the thing to put the record straight?
If that comes to pass, we have a feeling that's not going to go very well (though we're sure the network can already smell those through-the-roof ratings). Sarno isn't the most, shall we say, merciful man when it comes to laying blame. He'll eat the Graystones for breakfast, lunch and dinner - an image that has us trotting down memory lane...
So, before the Graystones lay a claim for a spot, here are the Bottom Five Backtalk Guests to date - the ones who wish they had never agreed to a guest appearance, and who perhaps now wish they had never been born.
5. Mark Bailey, Brilliant Screenwriter...Not So Brilliant Human Being
Lots of great writers come from Aerilon. Mark Bailey is one of those great writers. He's won many awards for his writing. I've seen every movie he's written, and they're brilliant. However, when it comes to things like, you know, common sense...well, Mark Bailey isn't so brilliant.
Mark Bailey is a graduate of the University of Aerilon. It's where you go on Aerilon if you want to be a writer, a director, an actor...you know, an artist. If you want to just, you know, make a lot of money in business, as most Aerilon boys and girls do (hey, it's true), well, you just go to Promethea A&M.
The two schools don't like each other very much. To say the least.
So, Mark Bailey comes on Backtalk to talk about the latest award he's received for being a brilliant screenwriter, and Baxter asks him about his school days at U of A. Bailey gets nostalgic and almost immediately starts bashing rival school Promethea A&M.
Much to the chagrin of the one hundred and fifty A&M students in the audience, on a special field trip in which they got to attend a taping of Backtalk with Baxter Sarno.
And yeah, Bailey knew they were there before he set foot on the set.
Have you ever heard one hundred and fifty college students boo and scream obscenities for twenty straight minutes?
4. Jack Mendes, Owner of the Grand Casino of Hedon
Throw a rock and somebody will tell you that Leonis is a pinnacle of culture. Throw another and somebody will tell you it's an over-priced has-been of a colony. Whatever your opinion, nothing screams "Leonis!" quite like the city of Hedon, a beach resort you can't afford, where aging starlets and millionaires have fun in the sun. And the Grand Casino of Hedon is...well, you'd have to see it to believe it.
And of course you've heard about the Hedon Film Festival that's held at the Casino every year. Well, ol' Jack came on Backtalk to plug this and that movie, and by the end of the segment, Baxter had him admitting that the luxury apartments behind the Casino were indeed tax dodges for off-colony investors with, shall we say, somewhat shady incomes.
Guess how many of those investors pulled out the next morning? 63%. Whoa.
3. Luke Vandras, Hot Young Actor and Cancerian
Luke was charming in that vacant, not-quite-sure-what-day-it-is way, which proves that he's not stretching himself too much with most of the pretty-boy roles he takes. He and Baxter had a good rapport going, talking about how many Hot Young Actresses he's bedded over the years and the new "getaway home" he just purchased right smack dab in the middle of downtown Caprica City - and then the crab showed up.
Yeah, young Luke presented Baxter with a gift of a Silver Crab, the Cancerian delicacy to die for. And yes, it was most definitely a Humming Waddler knockoff; it wasn't a real Silver Crab, 'cause everybody knows Silver Crabs have been extinct since your grandpa was a boy... except, well, Luke insisted it was real. Like, really insisted. And when Baxter refused to believe him, Luke got a bit mad...well, really mad, actually, and...well, let's just say I heard the crew was still finding tiny pieces of crustacean from all over the set a month later.
Actually, was it the real thing? Friends, that poor creature took that secret to its grave.
2. Dr. Ann Gondeman, "Ghost Doctor"
You remember "Dr. Ann!" For at least two weeks after her appearance, Baxter would ask the audience, "What would Dr. Ann do?" in reference to any strange and befuddling circumstance. Dr. Ann Gondeman herself was certainly strange and befuddling - the brilliant but reportedly rather eccentric Aquarion scientist came on the show to share her recent discovery of a controversial new energy source (controversial in that its side effects include collapsing over 30% of the surrounding atmosphere's oxygen level - but hey, what's being a little short of breath in the name of lighting up our cityscapes?). At least, that's what Baxter thought she was coming on the show to talk about.
Instead, Dr. Ann marched over to the couch carrying a large metal box. When Baxter asked her what was inside, Dr. Ann looked him square in the face and responded, simply, "a ghost." And it pretty much went straight downhill from there, with some highlights including Dr. Ann claiming she had been "possessed" by the entity more than once and announcing to the audience that Sarno would live to be over 100 years old - but "only in his mind."
1. Robert Newman, Poet and Curator of the Aquarion Summerfest
Sarno had referred to Newman as "Aquarion's totalitarian hippie" several times before, which meant his guns were locked and loaded from the second the notoriously decadent poet set foot on stage. Newman ignored Sarno's greeting and immediately launched into reciting his (at the time) recently published epic poem, "In the Red-Striped Heim."
Sarno allowed him about two stanzas before he asked, "So, did you two do it before or after her bedtime?," which prompted about three straight minutes of lusty audience applause and Newman stoically staring at the floor in silence. Sarno was, of course, referring to Newman's alleged sexual liaison with 15-year-old actress Lindy Rose, star of the teenybopper musical, Academy Fever, which was headlining that year's Aquarion Summerfest.
Newman didn't say another word for the rest of the broadcast, though Sarno did manage to keep him on stage for another ten minutes with prodding inquiries before he stormed off.
Has there ever been a holiday so widely reviled as Eros Day? And it's not just by single frustrated lonely hearts, either - even people in happy, healthy romantic relationships seem to hate it, too. What is it about the day that we honor our god of love, lust and life that brings out such boiled-over emotions? Truly, I was fearing for my life while walking through Caprica City on Eros Day, everyone was in such a bad mood.
Don't believe me? Here's some of the stuff I overheard. It's all real. You can't make this stuff up, Capricans.
There was a couple looking out over the water. I think they were very drunk.
WOMAN: If I fell, would you jump in after me?
MAN [grabs her, jokingly tries to throw her off the bridge]: You mean like how your dad "fell?" Ha ha!
WOMAN [breaking free of him, bursting into tears]: How dare you...!
I'm not completely sure what the guy meant by that, though I assume maybe the woman's father committed suicide by jumping off a bridge, or maybe the father was just drunk and fell off the bridge. I don't know if it was specifically the Pantheon Bridge. Nor will I ever know. Either way, that's pretty harsh.
Eros Day wouldn't be complete without someone wishing someone else had been on board the MAGLEV during the bombing.
OLD WOMAN: I wish you'd stop being so stubborn
OLD MAN: I wish you'd blown up on that train that blew up.
OLD WOMAN: Oh, Gerald.
OLD MAN [mocking her]: "Oh, Gerald!"
OLD WOMAN: Stubborn, so stubborn!
OLD MAN: Wish you would die. Wish you would die.
OLD WOMAN: Well you probably don't have to wait that long.
OLD MAN: Thank the gods!
OLD WOMAN: Ha, think they listen to you? You old fool. They don't listen to you.
OLD MAN: Wrong, they don't listen to you!
I forgot the rest, but I think the gods themselves chimed in at one point.
And, finally, the worst Eros Day exchange wasn't so much an argument as it was a revelation, heard at my own workplace...
1. At The Caprican:
Entertainment blogger Carl Kipp: I love you. I've always loved you.
Photo intern Susie Danvers: I have a boyfriend.
Whoa. Take thy beak from out my heart.
Now that Eros Day is over, can we go back to being our happy friendly selves again, please? Come on, Caprica. It won't come again for another year, I promise.
[And yes, this was my last posting with The Caprican, folks. Thanks for the memories. It's been real!]
Re-imagined Series definition: the process of using the FTL engines to make an near-instantaneous apparent faster-than-light transport of a ship from one point in space to another
Re-imagined Series definition: all-purpose vulgarism; Colonial version of "fuck" (see: frak)
