The Passion of the Three Moons is a The Caprican Entertainment article written by Harold Sims. It was printed in Martius 8, YR42.
While The Caprican's Tara Mull was out living the rugged life, breathing in the clean mountain air and catching fish with her Picon frak buddy, I was stuck here on plain old Caprica with the rest of you. However, for those of you who can't afford a getaway, or don't have any interest in living your life like a bohemian jackass, there's still plenty of things to do right here at home, right?
Absolutely.
So, for those of you looking for an adventure that doesn't involve going off-world and possibly catching something from some smelly fisherman, might I suggest the Three Moons Lounge?
You've no doubt heard of the place, and yes, it's right in the heart of downtown Caprica City, not hidden in the shadowy outskirts like its reputation might imply. It's a place for mature adults who are looking for a little fun. Something to spice up a marriage, or take a relationship to a more adventurous level. There's no need to feel embarrassed, ashamed or self-conscious. They take care of you there, and the sky's the limit.
I can't really go into more detail than that, but you hopefully get the idea. And are getting some ideas of your own. At the very least, you'll make some new friends - and maybe some new friends with benefits.
The best part? It's all real. This isn't some V-Club where obnoxious children indulge their pathetic ids. The Three Moons is for grown-ups - real flesh and blood, with emphasis on the flesh.
Feeling a bit nervous when you first get there? Go to the bar. Order yourself a Scorpion Ambrosia. Yes, they serve it there. I know it's an acquired taste and most Capricans hate it, but this is all about a new adventure, right? A new experience. Give it a shot and let it take you where it will.
And the best part is you won't smell like Picon fish in the morning.
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EXCLUSIVE: Interview with the C-Bucs' Kevin Kovat is a The Caprican Sports article written by Harold Sims. It was printed in Martius 15, YR42.
All of you who say Kevin Kovat is no good this season can stick it where the sun don't shine. Kovat is the best damn Serger the C-Bucs have ever had. We got drunk the other day and put it all on the line. Read.
The Caprican: "Kovat's no good this season." You sick of hearing that?
Kevin Kovat: Yes, sir, I am.
The Caprican: At least you're not one of the Bucs requesting a transfer. What's up with that?
Kovat: Yeah, it's strange times behind the curtain, strange times behind closed doors...
The Caprican: Kovat, you're a great Serger. Don't let anyone tell you different. What's it like being the main attacking player on the team? You feel more pressure to perform, to please the audience?
Kovat: That's a good way of putting it - the Serger is kind of the "audience-pleaser" of the team. Always moving, going in on the attacks. I think the focus of the crowd eventually always winds up on the Serger. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, I think it's just the nature of the game.
The Caprican: You're kind of like the poster boy for the team.
Kovat: [laughs] I don't think I'd look good on a poster, but sure.
The Caprican: Sure you would. Kovat, what the hell is up with the C-Bucs this season? What needs to be fixed? Is it the players? The coaching? The bureaucrats who run the game?
Kovat: It is a weird vibe this season. We haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what we need to concentrate on. We've been strengthening every aspect of our game, hoping that if we do a sweep on all counts we'll fill the gap by default. I think it's got to do with synchronicity - we're all a little off out there, we're not watching each other, listening to each other as well as we should, we're not working as a team as well as we should. We need to tighten the screws a bit. We'll get there.
The Caprican: That's the spirit. Kovat, what do you think about your Voxrector spending nights in hotels with Tammy Lawns?
Kovat: [laughs] Jimmy's a lucky guy, what can I say?
The Caprican: What movie star are you spending your nights with?
Kovat: No movie stars for me. I'm just trying to concentrate on the task at hand this season, concentrate on the game.
The Caprican: That's great. But you got to get out there and enjoy the body of a beautiful woman from time to time, too, you know.
Kovat': [laughs] Sure, sure.
The Caprican: Thanks for the drink, Kovat. Good luck with the rest of the season.
Kovat: My pleasure.
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Pantheon Bridge Getting New Safety Measures is a The Caprican News article written by Caleb Barlow. It was printed in Martius 21, YR42.
Don't be alarmed if you start seeing construction workers on the Pantheon Bridge sooner rather than later. The Bridge isn't getting its foundation fortified. The Bridge isn't going to collapse. It's just that soon your leisurely Sunday strolls across the Bridge will be all the safer.
The Caprica City Bridge and Tunnel Authority is making one of our most majestic landmarks even more safe and sound as it's been commissioned to install a new set of safety railings along the walkways on either side of the Bridge, which will decrease the risk of any pedestrian accidents.
"It's a relatively simple procedure," says Bridge and Tunnel Commissioner Timothy Caldwell. "We don't expect it to interfere with traffic, either vehicular or pedestrian. Our hope is that you don't even notice we're there, and we hope to be in and out of there in a week's time."
There's been some speculation that the project was rushed into approval due to an increase in "jumpers" and attempted suicides on the bridge.
"Nonsense," replies Mr. Caldwell. "This has been something in the works for some time now. We're finally getting to it; it's long overdue. Caprica City needs proactive safety measures now more than ever, and we're here to provide that."
The official start date on the project hasn't been announced, but should commence within a month's time.
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Stop the Sagittaron Stereotypes is a The Caprican Opinion article written by Harold Sims. It was printed in Aprilis 24, YR42.
I was watching Young People Going Out with Each Other the other night and, in a remarkable twist on the show's usual theme, there was a character that turned down a woman's invitation to go back to her apartment after meeting at a dance club. "What are you, a Sagittaron?" she asks, mocking his decision to remain sexually abstinent.
I was watching Sketch Comedy Friday the other night and there was a skit where a hospital was taken over by a Sagittaron doctor, who banned all modern medicine and demanded patients only be administered herbal remedies and faith healing. Everyone in the hospital started dying from their sicknesses and injuries, and when the staff pleaded with the doctor to allow them to reinstate their usual health procedures, he refused, saying, "It is the Sagittaron Way."
I caught an old horror movie called Terror in Tawa in which a young Sagittaron girl becomes pregnant out of wedlock and gets an abortion. Everyone on her block finds out and they proceed to subject her to horrific physical and emotional tortures before burning her to death in front of a temple in the center of town as "a warning to others."
I have many more examples, but do I really need to go on?
Yes, stereotypes usually exist because they are based on some kind of truth. But they also exist because it is easier to simplify something you don't understand rather than try to truly be educated about it. Stereotypes are based on ignorance, and fear, and laziness. The Caprican entertainment industry chooses to see Sagittarons as pedantic religious zealots hopelessly behind the times, and from that point of view they are able to conjure endless sources of humiliation disguised as comic relief.
What they base their material on is certainly founded in some sort of reality. But it is far, far from the complete picture.
In short, I'm sick of the Sagittaron stereotypes in movies and on TV. By humiliating us for the sake of a laugh, the entertainment industry is only spreading its offensive ignorance and fear to its audience.
For shame!
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